Folksy Sayings, Proverbs and Clichés

Dumb

• Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
  1. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
• The lights are on but no one is home.
• A beer short of a six pack.
• March 31, 2001
• The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
• Doesn't have both oars in the water.
• Not playing with a full deck.
• A Few fries short of a happy meal.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
• Not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Endings

• The light at the end of the tunnel.
  1. ... is a train.
  2. ... has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  3. ... had been turned off to conserve electricity.
• When the fat lady sings.

Leaving

• "Screw you guys. I'm going home."
• Make like a tree and leave.
• How can I miss you if you don't go away?

Affirmative

• If it fills your sails ...
• If it cranks your tractor ...
• If it floats your boat ...
• If it tickles your pickle ...

Ambition

• Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be among the stars.
• Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Aim for the highest point you can see. You're bound to get somewhere.

Work

• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore
• Succeed in spite of management.
• You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
• Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.
• Work; It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• The meetings will continue until we find out why nothing is getting done.
• March 31, 2001
• Teamwork means never having to take all the blame alone.
• We put the "k" in "kwality".
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job... someday.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Your lack of planning doesn't constitute an emergency for me.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Flying

• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
• A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
• There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.

Bumper Stickers

• March 31, 2001
• Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
• Honking is for the geese.
• Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Honk if you want to see my finger.
• Honk if you see parts fall off.
• Honk if you're illiterate.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Horn broken. Watch for finger.
• CAUTION: Driver legally blonde!
• CAUTION: I drive like you do!
• CAUTION: Driver has donated brain to Medical Science.
• CAUTION: I brake just for the hell of it!
• CAUTION: The young lady driver has delusions of adequacy.
• CAUTION: Loose nut behind the wheel.
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
• Driver carries no cash. He's married.
• A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Don't drink and drive. Smoke and fly.
• I don't drink while I drive. That's what stop signs are for.
• If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap. Park elsewhere.
• Do I look like a hemorrhoid? Then get off my ass.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
• My juvenile delinquent is sleeping with your honor student.
• My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
• My kid was Inmate of the Month at County Jail.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• If this van's a rockin' don't come a knockin' .
• Don't laugh. It could be YOUR girlfriend that's making this car shake!
• Passion Wagon - don't laugh, your daughter may be inside.
• Friends don't let friends drive naked.
• As a matter of fact, I do own the road!
• Hang up and drive.
• If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
• How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
• If I'm so slow, how come I'm ahead of you?
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• My Hearse needs body parts.
• I've been told I'll go far in life. I hope I'm on the right route.
• No radio. Already stolen.
• This is not an abandoned vehicle.
• Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
• I can't wash my car. The dirt is the only thing holding it together.
• DO NOT WASH! This car is undergoing a scientific dirt experiment.
• This is Chevy country. On a quiet night, you can hear a Ford rust.
• I got this truck for my wife, not a bad trade.
• It's lonely in the saddle, since my horse died.
• Whatever you do, don't open the trunk.
• If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
• (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off.
• I hate bumper stickers.

Greenies, Wienies and Meanies

• March 31, 2001
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat?
• I love animals - they're delicious.
• I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
• P.E.T.A. -- People Eating Tasty Animals
• I didn't fight my way up the food chain to eat vegetables.
• Are you an environmentalist, or do you work for a living.

Government/Politics

• March 31, 2001
• Elephants and asses are conning the masses
• The last time we mixed religion and politics, people got burned at the stake.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• If you think you're getting too much government these days, just be happy that you're not getting all you are paying for.
• A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
• Congress should buy chairs for the Standing Army.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• If the government wants you opinion, BATF agents will break down you door and take it.

Clinton

• March 31, 2001
• If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
• The Clinton's will be remembered for everything they couldn't recall.
• Bill Clinton wanted to leave a legacy but Hillary insisted they take it with them along with everything else in the White House.
• It's a shame the Clinton's never had any.
• "The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• In America, anyone can be President. That's one of the risks we take.
• Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

General

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.
• Virginity is curable.
• You never die a virgin, life always screws you over first.
• May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.
• Never ASSUME, it makes an ASS out of U and ME.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
• Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." -- Jack Handey
• March 31, 2001
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
• We don't swim in your toilet. Don't pee in our pool.
• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If you cannot succeed, then die gloriously.
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Reader Submissions

• October 10, 2003 -- Charley Cvercko
• If I had a prehensile spine I could wear my ass for a hat.
• If it turns your hair blue.
• "Might as well, can't dance."