Removing the mystery of toasters.
Work supported by grant BS-1124-0019 from the American Nuclear
Bugfuck, Kansas 376955
The American public has been laboring under the delusion that the complex
electro-mechanical irradiation device commonly known as a "toaster" is simple
to operate and presents no danger to the public at large. This myth has
pervaded too long to be allowed
to persist in the current age
achievement. Afterall, we now possess the capability of anihilating every
thinking organism on the planet, from toadstool to amoeba, yet allow untrained,
unprofessionals to operate one of the most diabolical and lethal contrivances
ever spawned by frustration.
- MYTH 1.
- The toaster is so simple a child can operate it.
If this were true, children could make their own breakfasts without adult
supervision. As any dolt knows, children must be carefully watched from
conception until reaching the age when their parents are no longer legally
responsible for them.
- MYTH 2.
- The toaster is so simple adults can operate it.
If this were true, adults wouldn't stick electron conductors in the shape
of knives, forks and chainsaws into the delicate orifaces and thereby
toast themselves to Nirvana.
- MYTH 3.
- Toasters were made to toast bread, muffins, English crumpets, etc.
Toasters were not made to irradiate anything that you can stuff into the
radiation sample input orifaces. (Most of you crumbs probably didn't even
know the technical terminology. And you thought this stuff was simple!!)
They were made for serious scientific investigation; to investigate the
effects of infra-red radiation on small starchy and carbohydrate laden
samples not meant for consumption by anyone other than expendable
laboratory rodents and rotten guinea pigs that were upsetting the actuari
tables of prominant pet insurance companies. It was at this point that
ignorant and untrained laboratory technicians entered the scene. They
would bring in their lunches, such as chicken salad, and complain about
soggy bread. It was at this point that pure science was corrupted and
one technician, a particularly Neanderthal brain type, struck upon the
idea of drying his soggy bread in one of the radiation devices. He left
it in to long and discovered that the bread had been "toasted." Not
having any replacement bread, he was
contaminated bread, not
be confused with legitimate laboratory samples
Soon the word spread, and before the contamination could be erradicated,
the bonehead had left and was so infected that Sunbeam hired him as
Director of Toaster research. After this, there was no stopping the
toaster plague. Soon every house in the country had one
devices and they were even given as charms of good luck to newlyweds.
This is the primary reason for the current high divorce rate, contamination
and moral decay due to toaster radiation. The only fit thing for the
United States to do at this point is to start shipping whole toaster
factories to the Communist and third world countries, thereby bringing
on an even deeper Dark Ages, the Toaster Ages. Soon there will be so
much radiation generated by the renegade toasters that whole species of
animals, such as hump backed whales and other marine species will begin
the marine layer radiation phenomenon, and their
demise will be blamed on overhunting and other "rationalized" explanations,
when in fact we all know that it is all the fault of the damned toaster.
Join the crusade! Work for the forces of light and goodness! Stamp out
the cursed epidemic
toastermania! Grab a fire axe and accost the
nearest toaster... Who's that knocking at my door... Its the toaster
police... no, truth must prevail... you can't stop the truth.. you AIIIIIIII
When I'm not busy killing toasters, I also
Known links to this page.
A quick plug for The Web Surfers Report.
lies.com - More toaster commentary (would I lie?).
A Public Service Announcement:
I've noticed a few Netscape 2.0 Beta browsers dropping in. The production version is available.
The folks at City.Net can help you keep your browser up to date.
Dave Garaffa at Browser Watch can keep you on the bleeding edge.
It has also come to my attention that the EPA is looking into this matter.
There may still be hope.
March 28, 1996