Removing the mystery of toasters.
Work supported by grant BS-1124-0019 from the American Nuclear
Physics Theoretical Institute, Bugfuck, Kansas 376955

The American public has been laboring under the delusion that the complex electro-mechanical irradiation device commonly known as a "toaster" is simple to operate and presents no danger to the public at large. This myth has pervaded too long to be allowed to persist in the current age of scientific achievement. Afterall, we now possess the capability of anihilating every thinking organism on the planet, from toadstool to amoeba, yet allow untrained, unprofessionals to operate one of the most diabolical and lethal contrivances ever spawned by frustration.

The toaster is so simple a child can operate it. If this were true, children could make their own breakfasts without adult supervision. As any dolt knows, children must be carefully watched from conception until reaching the age when their parents are no longer legally responsible for them.
The toaster is so simple adults can operate it. If this were true, adults wouldn't stick electron conductors in the shape of knives, forks and chainsaws into the delicate orifaces and thereby toast themselves to Nirvana.
Toasters were made to toast bread, muffins, English crumpets, etc. Toasters were not made to irradiate anything that you can stuff into the radiation sample input orifaces. (Most of you crumbs probably didn't even know the technical terminology. And you thought this stuff was simple!!) They were made for serious scientific investigation; to investigate the effects of infra-red radiation on small starchy and carbohydrate laden samples not meant for consumption by anyone other than expendable laboratory rodents and rotten guinea pigs that were upsetting the actuari tables of prominant pet insurance companies. It was at this point that ignorant and untrained laboratory technicians entered the scene. They would bring in their lunches, such as chicken salad, and complain about soggy bread. It was at this point that pure science was corrupted and one technician, a particularly Neanderthal brain type, struck upon the idea of drying his soggy bread in one of the radiation devices. He left it in to long and discovered that the bread had been "toasted." Not having any replacement bread, he was forced to consume the radiation contaminated bread, not to be confused with legitimate laboratory samples Soon the word spread, and before the contamination could be erradicated, the bonehead had left and was so infected that Sunbeam hired him as Director of Toaster research. After this, there was no stopping the toaster plague. Soon every house in the country had one of the lethal devices and they were even given as charms of good luck to newlyweds. This is the primary reason for the current high divorce rate, contamination and moral decay due to toaster radiation. The only fit thing for the United States to do at this point is to start shipping whole toaster factories to the Communist and third world countries, thereby bringing on an even deeper Dark Ages, the Toaster Ages. Soon there will be so much radiation generated by the renegade toasters that whole species of animals, such as hump backed whales and other marine species will begin to disappear due to the marine layer radiation phenomenon, and their demise will be blamed on overhunting and other "rationalized" explanations, when in fact we all know that it is all the fault of the damned toaster. Join the crusade! Work for the forces of light and goodness! Stamp out the cursed epidemic of toastermania! Grab a fire axe and accost the nearest toaster... Who's that knocking at my door... Its the toaster police... no, truth must prevail... you can't stop the truth.. you AIIIIIIII

When I'm not busy killing toasters, I also caption pictures.

Known links to this page.
A quick plug for The Web Surfers Report. - More toaster commentary (would I lie?).

A Public Service Announcement:
I've noticed a few Netscape 2.0 Beta browsers dropping in. The production version is available.
The folks at City.Net can help you keep your browser up to date.
Dave Garaffa at Browser Watch can keep you on the bleeding edge.
It has also come to my attention that the EPA is looking into this matter. There may still be hope.

March 28, 1996
Brings it all together!
Webmaster: The Web Walker