By a judicious application of library science and the Freedom of Information Act, it has been learned that the Strategic Defense Initiative (Star Wars) was really a ploy for the proliferation of deadly toaster devices into outer space. Early in SDI research it was discovered that under proper laboratory conditions, irradiation of certain starch laden substances could be used to enhance and focus X-ray radiation. (The exact conditions under which this was first achieved are still shrouded under the catchphrase of National Security, but we expect the pertinent documents to be eventually declassified.) It is known that a wide range of substances rich in starch and carbohydrate derivatives were tested, but that the optimal substance turned out to be the Brooklyn Bagel. It is not known for certain, but is highly suspected, that Edward Teller was instrumental in suggesting a thermonuclear device be used as the power source for the X-ray toaster.

At the time there was no other power source with a "toaster coefficient" large enough to do the job. (Several defense contractors pointed out that an acceptable power curve could be achieved with several AA size batteries and a designer brand hair dryer, but "Eddy and the boys" at Lawrence-Livermore got the required government backing and pushed ahead with the thermonuclear solution.)

This led to the requirements for the Mil. Spec. Bagel. As previously stated, only bagels made in Brooklyn (it is now believed to have something to do with the water) have the proper "staying power" when nucleated in the X-ray toaster. The hole in the bagel has the proper focusing characteristics for the X-rays and the water used to prepare the bagel has the proper isotope configuration to give the extra punch needed for proper operation.

(At one time Rold Gold® pretzels were considered, but they never posed any serious threat to the homegrown bagel.) There is, however, a very high rejection rate for the Mil. Spec. bagel, and all samples not meeting the stringent requirements must be disposed of, usually by allowing them to be eaten and "reprocessed" in order to render them of little or no military value. This is a job that requires the most vigilant compliance to insure that the bagels do not fall into the hands of enemy aliens. (It would have been highly embarrassing for the Russians to use our own parts to reduce the toaster gap.) This is a highly trained, elite unit with extremely high morale whose motto is "Pass the lox," an update on the old "pass the ammunition" phrase of W. W. II.

The use of nuclear toasters was seen as a way around the SALT treaties. Toasters weren't covered so there were no restrictions on either their deployment or numbers.

(There is still some debate over whether the deployment of nuclear toasters in fact violates the spirit of the SALT treaties, but no serious opposition to the subject has ever taken place.)

Some critics of the nuclear toaster program believe that the first deployment of the devices in space have caused an increase in UFO activity. While the writer does not believe in UFOs, let me say that even if extraterrestrial life-forms were interested in what was going on in our section of the galaxy, no intelligent life-form could possibly mistake the deployment of nuclear toasters in space for purely peaceful use as an act of aggression against some green-skinned, bug-eyed, slimey-tentacled, pig-brained sack of mutant protoplasm better off being toasted than hosted. In fact, if they insist on sticking their snot-gurgle, bulbous, stinking alien noses into our business, then I say it's high time that we give them a good old-fashioned dose of "mind your own stinking business before we kick your big green butts back to Andromeda, or wherever the hell you mutant puss balls come from." Wait a minute, there seems to be a bright, blinding light in the room... The walls are getting all wavy, like some kind of temporal and time distortion is taking place... Oh no, the squinty-eyed, bucktoothed, cross-eyed little sons of cyberian camel jockeys are teleporting through the wall... no, not again, I'm not finished with my expose... you can't stop the truth... you AIIIIIIII

"Hey, what happened to the toaster page?"
Hello, I'm the web master here. I'm not here to create chaos. I'm here to preserve it.
If you're looking for the previous version of this page, it is still available. Just check out that link I left in the previous sentence.
How did we come to have a new toaster page? Let me tell you, it took a lot of nagging.
Some toaster email.

Known links to this page.
A quick plug for The Web Surfers Report.
lies.com - More toaster commentary (would I lie?).

A Public Service Announcement:
I've noticed a few Netscape 2.0 Beta browsers dropping in. The production version is available.
The folks at City.Net can help you keep your browser up to date.
Dave Garaffa at Browser Watch can keep you on the bleeding edge.
It has also come to my attention that the EPA is looking into this matter. There may still be hope.

Awarded June 27, 1996

June 27, 1996
Brings it all together!
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